Five months ago, my husband of 9 years died. Nine years ago this month he proposed to me. There is nothing I hate more in the world than being a 32 year old widow. It’s time for another one of these checkins already. It was a very busy month here, but not much has changed. We’re still just surviving.
I have started using some of our old dishes. First it was the small plates and now the big plates too. I still can’t use the mugs, they are all too sentimental. And I can’t touch a bowl without heading towards an anxiety attack. I think that has to do with feeding my husband his medicine crushed in apple sauce at the end. Honestly just thinking about a bowl from my favorite set of dishes sets my stomach churning with anxiety. So I’m making progress on the dishes front, but there is still a lot of work to do.
I cooked. I haven’t cooked anything more difficult than frozen pizza since my husband died. This week I made an egg sandwich. My husband made them for us for breakfast every day from the time he lost his job until his seizure and diagnosis 9 months later. I am a terrible cook, but somehow I made this edible at least. And I even ate the whole thing. My Jason would have been proud.
I went and had the shots in my eyes done. The shot itself wasn’t bad. They had numbed my eye with drops and I didn’t even feel the needle. The issue I had was unexpected. It was at the surgery center and I hadn’t been there before. It was set up like a hospital. Hospital beds, beeping machines, blood pressure cuffs and finger pulse checkers. I cried the entire time I was there. I managed to not have a panic attack, but the flashbacks were so intense I couldn’t stop my tears. A nurse stayed with me and rubbed my back until I was able to leave.
Not emotional shopping is going well. I made three online purchases last month and they were all intentional purchases for things we needed or wanted and could afford.
We put up our Christmas tree on the 17th of October. Pepper didn’t want to wait any more and I couldn’t come up with a good reason not to. It’s a beautiful tree. We ended up having to get a new tree because our old one was broken, we went with white, something we’ve never had before. And we love it! I taught her a game my husband I used to play. It started one year when I was working three jobs and was sleeping an average of 4 hours every weekend. I was exhausted and frustrated. When I was at my overnight job he would play “I’m thinking of an ornament” via text message. Like eye spy, but with just the ornaments on our tree. I miss him so much. I put his stocking up with ours. We also got him a new ornament for the tree. A custom engraved yoyo. He was an avid yoyo fan.
My husband and I worked so hard to make money not scary. We had a six month emergency fund saved up that we used this year while he was dying. And now every time something unexpected comes up or my main source of income makes big changes to payments my anxiety gets overwhelming again. Unfortunately Pepper and I are one unexpected expense or payday malfunction away from not being able to pay the rent and I just can’t seem to get us ahead at all on my own. We’re making it, but just barely. Everything is more scary by myself.
Pepper is doing well for the most part. She ended up with 4 Halloween celebrations. She’s counting down the days to Thanksgiving. And she is so excited for Christmas. She is having some random behavior issues that could be caused by grief, but are likely caused by her being a very smart and stubborn four year old. She’s thriving and happy for the most part. We’re still working on how to get through our days without backup. It was so much easier to work or clean or to do anything when I could say okay time to play with daddy while I get this task finished. We’re working on it though.
We’re still just taking everything one day at a time. Most days I’m grateful just to have made it to bedtime so I can forget for a while that I have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow without my beloved husband.