Cancer Update and Currently Reading

Watching my husband die has been hard on every part of me and my life, including my reading. I’ve read 159 pages in the past 2 weeks. I’ll give an update on him and then I will tell you about the book I’ve been reading for the past two weeks.

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After Jason’s night of seizures we had to move his body somewhere else. Pepper was totally terrified to go home. I hated going home and nearly had a panic attack on the way there every time we got to leave. It was a way harder decision to send him away then it would have been to keep him with me, but after he became unconscious our focus shifted collectively to putting Pepper’s needs entirely first without trying to balance our focus between Pepper and Jason.

He is at his dad’s house across town. He is on meds every 2 hours to keep the seizures at bay. He still has not woken up or eaten anything since Monday.

Pepper has dubbed our apartment a safe zone and she’s not terrified to go there any more. She hates when anyone leaves us there though and tantrums ensue. I gave her complete control for a while over who can and can’t come in to our space. So many people coming over all the time to care for Jason made things really frightening for her.

Hospice is still expecting Jason to die any time now. He keeps gaining more and more end of life signs.

I currently hate everything. Especially everything that is in what was once our home. There are many times I wish I could stop breathing and not have to be in such pain any more. But the kid needs me so I’m trying to keep going for her. I don’t know how much more sadness and despair I can endure.

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Switching gears to what I have been reading the past two weeks and will likely be reading for a while longer yet since I’m only about 30% finished. I am still reading Kings of the Wyld by Nicholas Eames.

The small amount of progress I’m making has nothing to do with this book. I’m loving it! When I’m able to love anything in my current state of distress that is. It is so funny! My husband would have loved this book.

It’s about a band of mercenaries that had retired, but needed to get back together to save one of their daughters. There are battles and magic and thieves, and stories of their old days together as well as creatures I’ve heard of and ones I haven’t. And the characters are each wonderful and terrible. It’s certainly making me nostalgic for the days I played DND with my hubby. It also makes me miss him. But everything makes me miss him. I can’t imagine that ending anytime soon.

The book is so far living up to my expectations as a five star read. I’m not sure how long it will take me to finish it in the current state of my world. but I intend to keep reading it when I have time and the mental energy to do so.

5 thoughts on “Cancer Update and Currently Reading

  1. You are really brave and a fantastic mother
    I have been following your blog and I didn’t know what to say. I can only say that you are extremely brave and this core of strength that you have is nothing short of amazing. I can send you all my good vibes in this time of stress. All my prayers for you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have been reading your posts and I really don’t know what to say. I think of commenting something but I don’t what to type. I am so sorry. You are so brave and strong. Sending you all the love and hugs you need right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I honestly don’t know what to say that I haven’t already said. I have been following you for a while and it’s been heartbreaking to hear what you are going through so I can only imagine the pain you feel actually experiencing this. You and your family are continuously in my thoughts!!

    Like

  4. I wish I had more than prayers to offer at this painful and trying time. It’s so hard being torn so when someone you love leaves. Know that we are sincerely thinking of you and wishing only the best for you and your little family. You’re managing to be an amazing mom despite it all.

    Liked by 1 person

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