Three months ago today my beloved husband died. This is a checkin to let you know how myself and my four year old daughter are handling things.
I’m still going to grief counseling and Pepper still isn’t. My grief counselor says we are both doing well. I fill him in on all the details of Pepper and he lets me know if he thinks there is a problem or a potential problem.
It feels like a lifetime has passed since the last checkin, but also like it could have been yesterday or this morning. A current big struggle is how long the days feel. When we had three of us our days were filled with joy and happiness and love. Now each day feels like an endless slog I have to survive to get to go back to bed and forget things for a while. There are just so many moments to fill in a day, for both of us. It is hard being a single parent. We were 28 and 38 when Pepper was born and if we had thought for even a moment that one of us would end up having to raise her on our own, we wouldn’t have had her.
It’s been especially hard not to regret that we did when she is having difficult days. Balancing my grief with her acting out due to her own grief has been more challenging than I’m up for most days. Everything she has done or gone through has been totally normal to the grieving process, she’s leaving those various behavioral issues behind quickly enough that my grief counselor is not concerned, and in every instance I have handled the problem well enough that she knows she is loved and safe and the behavior is or is not okay depending on what the problem is. But it is not easy.
I’m still journaling to my late husband. My grief counselor gave me four things to include in those writings. Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. So far all I’ve tackled is I love you and that may not be quite done yet either.
A yoyo made with a color way in his honor was made and I have one on the way to me from the creator. Also, the profits from the yoyos in that colorway are being donated to Pepper and I. So cool!
We have a new bed. We had been sleeping on the floor on the mattress from Jason’s hospital bed for nearly 3 months, but a family friend was able to get us a new queen size so we are sleeping well again. That makes a big difference.
I’m still not able to use our dishes or mugs. I am using the utensils though. I’m still not really cooking. I’m keeping up on showers and laundry and that’s about it for my personal care and household care. My mother is coming over a couple of times a week to break up the monotony and to help me catch up on the chores I do more sporadically like washing Pepper’s dishes and taking our the trash.
For the first time this month I told someone that Pepper and I are okay and realized that I meant it. We’re not good. But we are okay. Apparently at some point I decided to survive my husband’s death and as much as that makes me feel guilty and sad, it’s true. I plan to be around for as long as possible for Pepper, even if most days I would still rather be dead.
I think of my husband every day. I cry every day. Random things trigger grief attacks, like the drive past the hospital yesterday. Or pictures. Pictures are the worst. I still turn to tell him things multiple times a day. I miss him like crazy. But Pepper and I are holding on to each other and for each other.