Four Months as a Widow

It’s only been four months since my husband died. It’s hard to believe that every single aspect of our lives could have changed in just four months, but it has.

This month has been a huge struggle in a lot of ways. Working has been really hard because I just don’t have enough time away from Pepper to focus on it. I work from home and I home school Pepper so I have 2 hours a week that she is away from me. Currently our bed is in the living room where my desk is so it’s hard to work when she’s sleeping. She is a light sleeper and the keyboard wakes her up no matter how quiet I think I’m being. Even with work being hard to do we’re still managing to keep up on the bills, much of that is due to the kindness or family and strangers that are still randomly seeding us money to help with things like new winter boots and clothes Pepper desperately needed now that its’ starting to get cold here. I can’t expect people to keep helping to pay our way forever, but when those small and larger amounts of money come to us I try to use them for whatever our biggest need currently is.

Two big expenses that jumped at me this month were both technological. Tech stuff was always my husband’s domain so I was very out of my element, very stressed, and very angry and sad with missing him.  Pepper had her Kindle with a freetime subscription from her 1st birthday on and those apps are the only way I get any free moments on the very long days we’re home alone. And it stopped working this month. It lasted through 3.5 years of harsh treatment and very heavy use so it was so worth it, but we really needed to have a new one if I was ever going to be able to do anything without her attached to me again. The new one is working great!

The second big expense, was my computer started dying. It kept giving me fan errors and turning off and then the whole thing was freezing on me sporadically. It was old too and needed replaced. And that kind of money I did not have. I did a lot of research and found a highly recommended refurbished model. I put it on the credit card expecting it to be my first ever actual debt. My late husband and I were very anti debt. I got a credit card shortly after he was diagnosed with brain cancer so that I could purchase his chemo medication if the insurance gave us trouble again. This is the first time I’ve used it not knowing how I would possibly pay it off. And I hated it. But I need my computer to work so it had to be done. That has since been taken care of by a monetary gift from family on the other side of the country.

That same family member wants to fly Pepper and I out to visit them in California. I’ve never been on an airplane before and am terrified. I told my late husband I would never ever go on an airplane for any reason. But Pepper has been convinced that she should go on the airplane and really wants to go now. I don’t tell her no for much of anything these days so it looks like we’ll be going on a trip soon. I’m scared.

The other really big and terrifying news is that my eyes are not getting better with the treatment I’ve been using the past year or so. They are actually getting worse. We have to get the inflammation down enough to do the surgeries, but the inflammation is getting worse so now I have to go later this month for a bunch of shots in my eyeball. I hate doctors. I hate needles. I’m pretty sure I will have a panic attack or seven trying to get through that day. If I wasn’t worried about being totally blind and not being able to see Pepper as an adult I wouldn’t go at all. I am so mad that my Jason isn’t here to hold me and  promise me that everything would be okay somehow. These huge things are when I miss him the most,.

I bought new plates, just a few,. They are very pretty. I still can’t use the dishes that I had with my Jason, but I was tired of using paper plates. I use the new dishes now and I’ve been working on serving Pepper on the old Jason dishes to work on desensitizing myself to them a bit. I’m not sure if it’s working yet.

My emotional shopping started getting out of control in January when Jason was in the hospital the first time and it’s gotten more and more out of control over the year. I’m attempting to do no online shopping for all of October and so far so good 10 days in.  I’ve been doing other things, like reading ebooks on my phone that are not on my TBR. And playing gin rummy on my phone too. Besides reading, my biggest hobby right now is doing sticker mosaics with Pepper. We set up an instagram a couple of days ago to share the pictures we make. We’re a little obsessed and have more books on our Christmas wishlists.

The last new thing for this month is that my grief counselor wants me to participate in NaNoWriMo. I wasn’t going to. If I do this will be my 15th year participating. I’ve won regular NaNo 3 times in the past. Each time I won it was only due to lots of help and encouragement from my late husband. I was writing novels that I wrote only for him and to make him laugh. Trying to write 50.000 words in November without him sounds horrible and I’m pretty positive I can’t succeed without him here with me, so I haven’t decided to participate yet.

It was a very hard month and we have lots more hard coming up. I want to hope for something good, but I’ve pretty much given up on hope or happiness of any sort. My best goal for a day is not horrible.

6 thoughts on “Four Months as a Widow

  1. Hi! My friend Emily @Embuhleeliest recommended your blog to me. I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. It is never easy losing a loved one, and while I cannot promise time will completely heal the wound (that saying is a blatant lie), I can promise that time will make you stronger, and the weight of the wound will become lighter.
    I definitely recommend joining a NaNo buddy group. I know Emily is participating in a NaNo group this year. You mentioned writing stories for your husband…maybe this year you could write a story for your daughter?
    One last thing, I have flown on more planes than I can ever hope to count, starting from the age of 2 months old, and I hate it. However, it is much, much safer than driving, and the view is fantastic. Try focusing on the exciting aspects of flying and not the terrifying ones and you’ll be just fine.

    Liked by 1 person

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