Nine Months as a Widow

My husband has been dead for nine months. Oh my goodness. It feels like no time at all and like I’ve been without him forever. In that nine months we could have had the second child we were talking about having either last year or this year. We could have finished building our savings and purchased a house like we had planned to do last year. We could have done and experienced so many things together that we’ll never get to do now. Nine months in and there are still so many things I’m missing and grieving and crying over. I don’t expect anything to be easy, but I do keep hoping things will be a little easier, but so far that hasn’t really happened.

This past month we had my birthday, Pepper’s birthday, and Valentine’s Day all in a row. We survived and Pepper, at least, had so much fun. Now we’re getting ready for a small Easter celebration.

This past month we also attended a family birthday party, something I haven’t done in many years. We went ice skating and rode bumper cars on the ice. Pepper had a blast and I had fun too. Ice skating was hard for me. The first and only time I have ever been ice skating was when my Jason took me one year for Valentine’s Day. I didn’t want to be there and share Pepper’s first time ice skating without him, but I went. I skated the ice rink one time and was finished. Pepper made it a short distance before she was done. We both loved the bumper cars though.

My biggest concern with the ice skates was that I could not fall and be injured. I don’t have any backup so if I’m injured we are both royally fucked. I have the same thought about anything potentially dangerous these days. If I die Pepper will be an orphan. If Pepper dies I won’t survive it. She’s the only reason I’m still here since my husband died. Did any of you other widows get less brave and more fearful after your husband died or did you get more daring because you didn’t care if you lived or died? I feel like if Pepper wasn’t here I would do every crazy thing I could find to try until something eventually killed me.

I’m still feeling lonely. Pepper is amazing, but it’s hard not to always have a grownup to talk to and laugh with and cry with and complain to. I miss my best friend so much. It’s getting a bit better though I guess. We went to that birthday party where we saw people, other adults, even if I didn’t know any of them very well. We’re trying to get to some more events too. We’re going to a Mommy and Me Cupcake decorating event at a local play place tonight.

Events are hard though. I can’t drive because of the cataracts, glaucoma, iritis, and whatever other issues the eye doctor finds at each appointment. Thursday I go for more eye tests. I think it involves a shot this time too. But because I can’t drive and there isn’t much in walking distance it takes a lot of effort from several people to get us to any events. It’s often not worth the effort of trying to coordinate a ride and I feel like I need to save my ride requests for grocery shopping and doctors appointments, at least until I eventually get my eyes fixed.

Pepper had her five year old well visit this past month as well. She is growing like a weed, very bright, and strong. The only things we need to work on this year are getting her to eat more fruits and vegetables and to get her established with a dentist. She’s doing great and I know it, but it’s always nice to hear from a professional too.

The only other real news is on the moving front. My mother is moving to be closer to her husband’s job and Pepper and I will be moving in to their old house.The plan to have both houses fully moved by May 1st.

I’m so very torn. I don’t want to leave this apartment. Jason and I moved in here 9.5 years ago together and this is the only home we’ve ever known together. It’s the only place Pepper has ever lived. I don’t want to leave behind the only place we’ve ever been a family and couple together. I don’t want to risk losing any of that love or those memories. I don’t want to leave my home.

But we have to. This is the best choice at the moment. Pepper just turned five and in New York we have to start reporting her as being homeschooled in July. I want us in a different school district before we do that. One that is less harmful and pushy about public schooling. Not by much though because they are still the same regulations.

It will also get out of this apartment where the land lady has started being very difficult to deal with. The biggest reason to move is that it will be $200 less a month across bills which will help our financial situation dramatically. Pepper will also have a yard to play in and we will be off of the busiest street in town. We will however be even more away from everything and there will be nothing we can walk to if we don’t have transport. It’s a 15 minute walk down a steep hill just to check our mail! I’m not looking forward to that.

Location-wise it is not my ideal, but because my freelance income can be difficult to prove my renting options are limited, so renting from my mother is the best I can do at this time.

Pepper is having reservations about the move which is making me more fearful too, but this is really our only option and I’m trying to remind myself that this doesn’t have to be forever. It doesn’t have to be for a decade like this apartment was. It’s just the best choice for now and there are so many positives about this move.

  • The money saved.
  • The yard.
  • Being away from this landlady.
  • Being away from the busy traffic and violence of this neighborhood.
  • Having a whole room that will just need to house our bookshelves. I’m excited about our library. So so excited about that.

This is the right move to make even if I really don’t want to leave my Jason and my home behind. We’ve started moving some smaller furniture and boxes of things already. It’s too late to turn back now. It’s time for a new adventure for Pepper and I.

3 thoughts on “Nine Months as a Widow

  1. I too am going to have to be moving and I think why I am dreading it somewhat is for the same reason. I will be leaving the place Ted and I have spent the most time together, the home he built me. Sure, he remodeled the house I am going to, but we never lived there. I did think about how the house is just the shell though. The things in it, how it’s decorated with our personalities can be moved with me but not everything. And definitely not him. It’s like things are still being taken away. Maybe we are a new chicken just starting to be hatched, one piece of shell at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

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