Ten Months as a Widow

I use these monthly check ins to see how my five year old and I are managing since my husband’s death ten months ago. It has been a busy month. Totally crazy in every way imaginable. On top of coronovirus and stay at home orders, we also moved house in the past month.

We started the move by taking a car full of boxes each time my mother was at my house, so just two loads of items a week. Then on the 5th of April I rented a Uhaul and we moved the rest of our things. We’re just a few days in at the new house and everything is still a disaster, but I’m slowly creating homes for our things. We still have to go back to our apartment for a few things we forgot and to do a lot of deep cleaning before I am done with that place forever. I can not wait.

We’re adjusting pretty well to the new house, though it’s out of the way even more and I feel a bit isolated. That’s good for quarantine I suppose, but I’m not looking forward to needing to walk down and then back up a steep hill just to check the mail.

Pepper is doing okay with the move. She loves our new house, but I think she’s having trouble more than she thinks. She is using a lot of baby talk again, like she did after Jason died, especially just before bed time. Otherwise she loves it here. She has a yard and room to ride her bike and play in her sand box. She has a big room for all of her toys and another room for our crafts and exercise equipment, and yet another room just for our books. I can’t wait until everything is all unpacked and things feel slightly more normal again.

The house has some strange quirks and repairs that are needed, but nothing I can’t adjust to or figure out how to fix once the world is open again.

We also have a cat. Through a series of events, the cat ended up needing to go with the house. Pepper is excited for her first pet, but I’m not really an animal lover and Pepper gets anxious when the cat runs from one of the house to the other at night. Pepper then refuses to go anywhere in the house unless I’m carrying her so the cat doesn’t run in to her. During the day though Pepper is giving the cat lessons on how to do ballet, yoga, be a doctor, etc. It’s cute and she loves the cat, they both just need some time to get used to each other.

My anxiety is going crazy with the coronoa virus stuff going on. Do we still see my mother as planned? My father in law who lives alone and has no one else on this side of the country to keep him company since my husband died? It’s a hard decision to make each time a situation is presented. All I can do is go with what feels like the right decision at the moment and then move on with my day and my life.

The only other news is that I finally got Pepper’s social security benefits from Jason’s death set up for us. The amount is enough to keep us going long term as long as nothing happens to my work and there are no emergencies, so money isn’t a huge stressor for the first time since April 2017 when my husband lost his job. I am struggling with knowing that I can breath a little easier now only because my husband is dead. I am trying to look at it as a way my Jason is still taking care of his girls, even in death. It doesn’t make it hurt less though.

This week we had an Easter Egg hunt in the yard for Pepper. I break up a small Lego set for her and put the pieces in plastic eggs. She has to find all the eggs and then build the kit. She loves it! She took it apart and rebuilt it five times in the same day.

Today we will dye eggs, and then on Sunday she will get her basket of goodies. She is so excited! Do you want to see a post with what she got for Easter?

Honestly I’ve been too busy and too anxious to have much time think about or miss my Jason this month. Moving is so much work. We always joked that we wouldn’t move from our apartment until we could afford to hire movers, but that didn’t work out for us. I think Pepper and I could be happy in our new home though.


3 thoughts on “Ten Months as a Widow

  1. Quote: “. I am struggling with knowing that I can breath a little easier now only because my husband is dead. I am trying to look at it as a way my Jason is still taking care of his girls, even in death. It doesn’t make it hurt less though.”

    Soooo true. (((Big hugs)))

    The cat and Pepper, adorable. I bet they will be best of friends in no time!

    So happy for your new bigger place! I’m curious to know how you will arrange your books. With so many, how would you find anything without arranging them alphabetically?


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